Santa... All I want is sleep.

I'm feeling very blah today. I had an awkward Valentine's Day for the most part, I'm swamped with school and everything else I have to do. For some reason I am overwhelmed by the idea of marriage, relationships, just the whole bit. I think I started thinking about this because when John and I first started dating, there was so much there. It just disappeared. Where did it go? How did my mom know that my dad was the one? She told me there was just something that told her he was it, but that explanation seems lacking to me. I get that it's something I'm just going to have to experience on my own. I almost feel like there's something missing. But my god, I'm 20 years old. I'm not even old enough to drink yet. I'm so used to a guy being there. It's a freaking addiction and it's pissing me off. I officially decided I need to break it off with John, but I feel sooo bad doing it. He's a great guy, just not someone I want to be in a relationship with. I know that's my perogative as a human being, but I'm so tired of hurting guys. I just wish they would believe me when I say "I don't want a relationship." I need to start saying "You are not an exception to this rule."

Starting anew

Yay for first posts! I'm starting this blog because hopefully I will use it more often than I would a journal. I've tried doing the journal thing a few times, but never really worked out for me. I've been going through some stuff over the past few months. My ex broke up with me after 8 months, telling me he wasn't sure if he loved me, wasn't sure about anything apparently. Looking at it, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it tore me up. We were basically living together. I felt like my whole world was turned upside down. I'm not sure what exactly about this event made me realize that the way I was looking at, not just relationships, but life was just WRONG! I was 20 years old and "content" with sitting at "home" watching "him" play video games all the damn time. Something inside me woke up and said WHAT THE FUCK!! This is NOT the way a 20 year old spends her time! This is my time to be me! To do things that *I* want to do! I have decided that this is the only way I will be happy, and so far it's working. I actually am a step closer to being happier, because I decided that I am DONE with him. I know we broke up a few months ago, but I am officially done. We went through this whole thing this past Saturday because I de-friended him on Facebook. He was basically telling me I'm a bitch and acting fucked up because apparently he feels that I've had enough time to get over it, so why don't I want to be friends with him? I said fine. I'll listen to what you have to say. Long story short, after a long, angry text conversation, I decided that he is not the type of person I want in my life. I have so many other amazing friends, why would I want to deal with something like that? ... I know this is a lot for a first post, but it's going through my mind. and now I feel better :D which I guess is the whole point.