Santa... All I want is sleep.

I'm feeling very blah today. I had an awkward Valentine's Day for the most part, I'm swamped with school and everything else I have to do. For some reason I am overwhelmed by the idea of marriage, relationships, just the whole bit. I think I started thinking about this because when John and I first started dating, there was so much there. It just disappeared. Where did it go? How did my mom know that my dad was the one? She told me there was just something that told her he was it, but that explanation seems lacking to me. I get that it's something I'm just going to have to experience on my own. I almost feel like there's something missing. But my god, I'm 20 years old. I'm not even old enough to drink yet. I'm so used to a guy being there. It's a freaking addiction and it's pissing me off. I officially decided I need to break it off with John, but I feel sooo bad doing it. He's a great guy, just not someone I want to be in a relationship with. I know that's my perogative as a human being, but I'm so tired of hurting guys. I just wish they would believe me when I say "I don't want a relationship." I need to start saying "You are not an exception to this rule."