21 now!

I'm either a vixen or a heartbreaker. All the "nice guys" that try to start romantic relations with me end up hurt. I don't do it on purpose. I enjoy the company and the attention. I've certainly tried in the past to tell guys that I don't want a relationship and to never expect things to go past casual, but they never seemed to believe me. So now I'm not saying a damn word. It's not my fault if they assume things I've never said. Some can understand that. Probably because that's where they are in life as well. I get that life isn't easy, but why the hell not. We should do something about that, as humanity in general. I hate seeing statuses that look like this "Alex didn't see that coming. I should have known better than to believe that it could happen." GOD DAMN IT! Why be so damn passive aggressive about it? Why not just say it to my face? That bothers the living hell out of me. Also, we hung out twice?!? These guys keep getting way to attached and it's confusing the hell out of me. I get that I'm hot, but damn!

But, I did get to see my friend Aaron the other day, who came home from Iraq in September. It was fantastic getting to see him again. He's also going to come visit me on Sunday after I get off work!! I'm not sure I'll be able to concentrate at all during that shift! and then a week after that, I'll get to see Dustin! Woo!! I'm so damn excited about that it's killing me. Hell, I'm excited about both!

Moral of the story: Gotta take the good with the bad, and vice versa. Feelings are boring but kissing is awesome.

Lazy Friday Night

I could go out tonight. My roommate invited me out. The only thing is usually when I go out with her it's her and her sorority sisters. Which is definitely a group that I do not fit in with. I did not have fun at all last night. We went to Tia's for Sigma Nu's social party thing. It felt like a middle school dance. Girls on one side, guys on another. Nobody dancing. For whatever reason I didn't just dance by myself. I guess because I feel like her sisters would judge the hell out of me. Which is why I don't associate with people like that. But whatever. I have decided that I will not judge myself on not doing a damn thing today, because tomorrow is going to be busy as hell. End of the year party with the Beef Studs, birthday party to hang out with DJ, and then a party tomorrow night. Honestly, I just want the semester to be overrr. I'm so sick and tired of it.

But I do have something to look forward to at least :) I get to see how this relationship with DJ will progress. It's nothing official yet, but it probably will be at some point soon. We enjoy doing the same things. We enjoy watching movies, skating, playing poker, playing cards in general. I feel like I don't have time to list all the great things about him. The only problem I forsee is his family is on the dysfunctional side. I don't wanna judge him on it obviously. No one is perfect. We'll just see how it goes. Why can't it be tomorrow yet?? :)

Messy Desks

Wow, I am distractable tonight. I wrote the title for this post and then went to Facebook for 15 minutes. But I'm back now :) ANYWAY. It's amazing to me how suffocating a messy desk can be. But I live in a dorm, so there's really no place to put these things. I really want a small filing cabinet. Or a bunch of files. I have random papers that I can't get rid of but there's no place for them, so they take up space in my drawer and on my desktop.

In similar news, there's an application for an apartment on my desk, which I super excited about. I'm a little nervous about the girl I'm living with. We had an honors class together and she can seem a little crazy... but, I'll just keep my stuff in my room. I doubt it'll be an issue. I truly doubt there's anything to worry about with my other roommate, Andy. We've been friends for almost 2 years now and he's a great guy. I have no interest in him romantically and we get along great, so I feel like this will be a good match-up.

In similar news, there's another guy that I'm romantically interested in :) Part of me is scared. I know it's a natural reaction, but that doesn't make things any easier. He wants to know if there's anything he can do. He can't change what the assholes did to me, but I can change how I handle it. It's difficult. GAH!!! Most guys suck. DJ doesn't suck so far :) so we shall see where this goes. I'm letting go of my control and letting things happen the way they will. Let the cards fall as they may. [add other similar cliches here]

So that's where my life is at this point :) seems a little disjointed, but I'm enjoying myself

4 WEEKS LEFT IN THE SEMESTER!!!!

Feeling special...

After some time not feeling real great about myself (I'm always confident, but sometimes it wavers), two friends today have decided to show me how very wrong I was. My friend Andy started it out with telling me how I have the personality that gravitates attention when I enter a room. He then tells me how adorable I am and basically how I'm worth finding someone amazing. Then John decides to tell me how he would rather never drink again than lose my friendship. And how I am 95% of the reason he realized he needs to change his behavior. I definitely teared up... It was legit. Certainly helped me see that I'm cared about :) Also watched some feelgood movies. Dane Cook and Blazing Saddles. I had forgotten how funny Blazing Saddles is. "Hey, where the white women at?!" FAVORITE!! Alright. Time for sleep.

I love when I answer my own questions.

I was going to use the question "Why are they called wisdom teeth?" for the title to this blog, because I recently got my out and my jaw is bothering me. Then I answered "Because we get them while we're adults and presumably have more wisdom." I don't know jackshit. I am perfectly willing to admit this. What I don't know, I can't say. I worry (briefly, I'm not much of a worrier) how I'm going to pay a mortgage, take care of kids, actually get up in the morning for a regular job. Usually that's followed by "well, if the dumb adults I see everyday can do it, then damn, I'll be just fine." I guess I feel sometimes that by not having a job, I only have a certain amount of control over my life. I feel like I'm mooching off my parents sometimes. I know that if they didn't want to pay for my college, my gas etc they wouldn't do it. Damn, I have some pretty fantastic parents. I don't know how I can "repay" them. I put that in quotations because there's no way I'd be able to pay them back any monetary value. I guess my success is a form of gratification to them... that I'm not just screwing around, goofing off. Well, I do a certain amount of that too. OOH! I wanted to write this down somewhere, and this is probably the best place to do it.

Qualities of My Perfect Man (so far and in no particular order)
-Great sarcastic sense of humor
-Intelligent (goes along with the humor, you need intelligence to get my sense of humor)
-Sports fanatic (no fantasy though, got my fill of that with Andrew)
-Tall (I like feeling short too sometimes)
-Not controlling, nor too opinionated (Andrew would give me so much shit if I was doing things a different way)
-Stable background (How do I keep finding these guys with screwed up families?)
-Fit (again, not so into it he has time for no one else. I like balance)
-Super Hot (I'm still young :D)
-Family oriented
-Wants to stay in Florida (gotta stay around the family)

I hope I'm not being too picky :)

Santa... All I want is sleep.

I'm feeling very blah today. I had an awkward Valentine's Day for the most part, I'm swamped with school and everything else I have to do. For some reason I am overwhelmed by the idea of marriage, relationships, just the whole bit. I think I started thinking about this because when John and I first started dating, there was so much there. It just disappeared. Where did it go? How did my mom know that my dad was the one? She told me there was just something that told her he was it, but that explanation seems lacking to me. I get that it's something I'm just going to have to experience on my own. I almost feel like there's something missing. But my god, I'm 20 years old. I'm not even old enough to drink yet. I'm so used to a guy being there. It's a freaking addiction and it's pissing me off. I officially decided I need to break it off with John, but I feel sooo bad doing it. He's a great guy, just not someone I want to be in a relationship with. I know that's my perogative as a human being, but I'm so tired of hurting guys. I just wish they would believe me when I say "I don't want a relationship." I need to start saying "You are not an exception to this rule."

Starting anew

Yay for first posts! I'm starting this blog because hopefully I will use it more often than I would a journal. I've tried doing the journal thing a few times, but never really worked out for me. I've been going through some stuff over the past few months. My ex broke up with me after 8 months, telling me he wasn't sure if he loved me, wasn't sure about anything apparently. Looking at it, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it tore me up. We were basically living together. I felt like my whole world was turned upside down. I'm not sure what exactly about this event made me realize that the way I was looking at, not just relationships, but life was just WRONG! I was 20 years old and "content" with sitting at "home" watching "him" play video games all the damn time. Something inside me woke up and said WHAT THE FUCK!! This is NOT the way a 20 year old spends her time! This is my time to be me! To do things that *I* want to do! I have decided that this is the only way I will be happy, and so far it's working. I actually am a step closer to being happier, because I decided that I am DONE with him. I know we broke up a few months ago, but I am officially done. We went through this whole thing this past Saturday because I de-friended him on Facebook. He was basically telling me I'm a bitch and acting fucked up because apparently he feels that I've had enough time to get over it, so why don't I want to be friends with him? I said fine. I'll listen to what you have to say. Long story short, after a long, angry text conversation, I decided that he is not the type of person I want in my life. I have so many other amazing friends, why would I want to deal with something like that? ... I know this is a lot for a first post, but it's going through my mind. and now I feel better :D which I guess is the whole point.